Saturday, September 6, 2008

My Place In This World

Amy P. kind of touched on this in her blog last week... and I've kind of been feeling the same way. Lately, I've felt "all over the place".

Being a mother is a full 24-hour job... and it doesn't stop. And, no one gives you an instruction manual. Wouldn't it be great, if along with the baby, out popped a set of directions.. "Care and Use of Baby". But no, we are left to our own devices on how to raise our children. I think what's most overwhelming about the whole situation is that there is no "break". Even when I'm apart from Brett, I'm still thinking about him, you know?

And, beyond that, I still feel like I haven't found my groove. Starting a new job is always a stressful situation... I don't care what it is. If I'd just started at Mickey D's, I think I'd be stressed. It's beyond the job. It's about getting to know the people you work with and figuring out the style of the workplace and how your boss runs things. I feel like I'm starting to get into the swing of things now at work (and on another note... going from being the boss to being an employee gives me a whole 'nother vantage point... as a boss there were certain things that my employees did that made me happy... now I try to incorporate that, and stay one step ahead. I'm SOOO glad I'm not the boss anymore, can I just say that?). But I'm still not to the point where I was at The Orchard... where I just knew the place inside and out.

And, my days are just so drastically different. Three days a week I get up at the same time as Steve... drive 30 minutes to my mother's to drop Brett off (which I am SOOO thankful for... it's worth the drive to the other side of town). Then I drive ANOTHER 30 minutes in a completely DIFFERENT direction to work. While there, I stay pretty busy for 6 1/2 hours and then pick up Brett and come home. Then comes making dinner, getting on the treadmill and taking a shower.

The other four days a week I'm home. And, the two that I'm home alone with Brett can be sooo lazy if I don't get going in the mornings. I really do try though. I suddenly feel this pressure to be a perfect mother and wife. I try to get all of the laundry done, and the house all picked up an clean on these days... while entertaining the most social baby of all time. Other times I'm just soo tired that all I can do is hang out with the little guy.

And then, there are the weekends. Usually Steve gets going with his chores (mowing the grass, washing the cars, etc.), leaving me to watch Brett. Again, depending on my energy level... I either get things done or they go by the wayside.

What is missing in my life is a natural "rythm" of sorts. I don't feel 100% comfortable in my new roles yet, and it's stressing me out. Plus, I now make less than 1/2 of what I made before. This has made a significant difference in our lifestyle. Just going to Chicago for one weekend adds at least an additional $100 to our budget once you factor in gas and kenneling the dogs. I feel like we should visit Steve's family more now that we have Brett, but it's just not feasible.

And, the baby weight. It's not coming off as I had hoped. Now, granted, I'm not following a strict diet. I still enjoy dessert after dinner... but I'm putting the time in on the treadmill and nursing. I have to deal with those annoying body issue demons again... plus I may just have to buy new clothes again (ugh.. the money issue again!)

I don't mean for this to sound like a "rant" of sorts. I am just hoping for some magical answer to fall out of the sky as to how I can be the superwoman that I want to be.

I've been discovering many more gray hairs as of late and have been frantically pulling them out. I have a feeling my new life isn't helping the situation!


Tina said...

Carrie, you are not alone in your feelings! I think that's how all moms feel (not that it makes you feel any better). I am constantly feeling nervous, anxious or guilty. I'm at work and I want to be home, and I'm at home over the summer and I feel I should be at work. When I get home after work, I'm completely exhausted and don't have the energy to play like I should with Evan. I wish there was an answer for all of us!

Cathy said...

Sometimes you just need an all pajama day, and some quality time with your little guy. There's no such thing as Supermom, and it's nice to aspire to it, but it's more important that you hug for an extra 5 minutes rather than have no dust on your mantle. As for your place in the world, it's going to take time, but you'll figure it out, you'll find your groove.

Andrea said...

I have found that making a list of the household chores and dividing them out throughout the week really helps. I feel less overwhelmed because I know all the important things get done in a week and I spend a short amount of time each day doing them.

Cathy is right - Supermom doesn't exist and if she did, I would think her super power would have to be never sleeping. That's the only way she could possibly get everything done!

You are doing your best at work and at home and that's all that matters. Give yourself some time, cut yourself some slack, and I'm sure you'll figure this all out!

amypfan said...

If this tells you anything about my current level of crazy, I'm just now getting around to reading this post. And I totally relate, 100%. I really think that if we can manage to scrounge some free time, we need to get together and have a venting session. :)