Blogging is supposed to reflect your given mood. And, no, I'm not always happy and positive (as I usually try to parlay in my posts).
Motherhood had made me... I don't know... lonely?
I describe it as being on an island. I have changed so much in the last 3 1/2 months. My whole world has turned upside down, and I can't even explain it. You'd have to walk in my shoes for a few days to understand. I feel like I'm starting to get a grip on being a mommy. I went from being free to do what I want whenever I want to having this little person dependent on me for EVERYTHING.
At first I was terrified. He was so small. I thought I'd break him. I hadn't been around little ones. I didn't know what to DO with him. Steve had a few weeks off and was able to help me, but I almost had a panic attack when he went back to work. Slowly I got into the mommyhood groove, and learned Brett's patterns and behaviors and did okay.
We braved the great outdoors, slowly taking him on trips to Meijer or Panera... and finally worked up to taking him on vacation. I still haven't taken him to the mall myself yet. I shudder at the thought of getting the stroller together and getting him in it and trying to manuver through all the stores. At least at the big stores you can put his seat in the cart.
But all in all, I'm not the same person that I used to be. And, I know that I disappeared for the first couple of months after I had him into my own world. But now I want to see people and do things. And, it's not always easy. And, when I do get to get together with old friends, do they want to hear me talk about my baby? A lot of my friends don't have kids yet, and they are still enjoying a kid free life. I know what that's all about. Heck, I was THERE last year.
So, I try to appear as normal as possible... not wanting to scare or overwhelm people with stories of my kid. But, my kid is my LIFE. My biggest stories to contribute to conversations anymore aren't great drinking stories - no, they are about how Brett grabbed his toes, or how he laughed at the dogs, or how he smiled at me.
I have my part time job, but I am a FULL TIME mommy. And, when I'm at work, I'm still always thinking about Brett. This, in a way, puts me on an island. I feel like my kid-free friends can't relate to me, and I to them the same way anymore. It can be LONELY.
Being a mom is amazing... I just wish I didn't feel so isolated.