Friday, May 21, 2010

A Taboo Subject?

After reading this article in my latest Marie Claire, I am starting to understand some of the feelings I've been having lately. I wish, wish, wish I was one of those ecstatically happy pregnant girls who LOVE being pregnant. I know they are out there and I know some of them personally. I am one of those pregnant girls who does not enjoy the 9 month process, but knows the end result produces a miraculous gift. I feel like I've been complaining a lot on my blog... well, maybe I have. Maybe it's a good way to hash out the aches and pains I've been feeling. But I don't want to sound like a whiner who doesn't appreciate what I have. On the flipside, I am GRATEFUL that Steve and I are able to have babies. I know of so many couples who struggle with infertility and I feel blessed that I have been able to get pregnant twice within a reasonable timeframe.

But, as I've mentioned before I struggle with Seasonal Affective Disorder, and my predisposition to depression makes it all the more likely that I am also struggling with pregnancy depression. It's probably a taboo subject, but maybe someone else has gone through it.

Ever since I have had Brett, I've been a part time stay at home mom. Usually it works out great. I am able to enjoy the best of both worlds... holding down a job in the work world while having a couple days at home with B. And, don't get me wrong, B is a WONDERFUL kiddo. I love him so much and he's a good natured little guy, but lately, especially over the past couple of weeks, it is HARD to be a good mommy to him right now. Oh, I had the blahs of the first trimester where I just felt miserable and sick, but then I started to feel better around the beginning of my second trimester. The fact that the sun started shining and the days were much nicer also helped TREMENDOUSLY.

But, over the past few weeks I have started to DREAD my days at home. I feel like my house is a prison cell. Minutes turn into super long hours. Yes, I still keep those days filled with lunches and/or playdates, but they don't take up the whole day. Plus I've been EXHAUSTED lately and I feel like I want to spend the whole day lying in bed. Not such a great plan with a 2 year old. And, I think this might make me the worst mommy ever, but I've NEVER enjoyed playing with toys or games with kids. I HATED babysitting in high school. I'd do it, but I never liked it. I figured that would all change with my own kids. And, yes, it has changed in many ways. I love my little boy more than life itself, but I still don't want to play. I'd rather park him in front of the TV (which is what I did on babysitting jobs) while I lay in bed. He seems content with this arrangement, but I know I am not being the best mommy I can be.

And, I feel "removed" from loved ones. I try to stay positive and lighthearted and all around people, but really, I just feel this sad, empty void. All. The. Time. My husband is a saint. What can I say? I don't know how he puts up with me. It's such a challenge to even keep the house organized anymore. Without him, we truly would be living in squalor.

I am hoping this will pass. I really am. I don't want to take any "happy drugs" during my pregnancy, and I also don't want to try a therapist (been there, horrible experience), so I am left to wait it out. Here's hoping things turn around on their own, or the next 3 months are going to be hard.

1 comment:

Not So Glamorous Housewife said...

I hope you are feeling better today. I agree that it would be nice to just stay in bed. I hate to say it but for me I think the months after baby #2 are more difficult. What would I have done without my end of the day beer during those first few months after my second was born? I think sometimes you just have to dig REALLY deep to find the inner strength to mommy it up and somehow balance that without losing yourself. Who wants to do that ALL OF THE TIME? For me, this time around, I plan on joining a gym or activity that will allow me an hour a day away from the kids...even if it's 5am. Also, to avoid the guilt of hanging in bed a little extra, maybe giving him an hour a day of some sort of learning/coloring/reading right from your bed would make the guilt less and remind you that you are a REALLY good mamma. What a sweet boy, obviously well cared for. We are only human. I'm sending good thoughts your way.