Where I Am

I have come to the realization that I tend to write meatier more thought-out posts when I am pregnant than when I'm not. Part of it is due to the sheer exhaustion of having little babies and my brain not working....being barely able to get cute pics of the kiddos up. But I think that when I am pregnant, I just want to vent.

Anyway, no, in case you were wondering, I am NOT pregnant (and don't have future plans to be), but I've been reflecting on where I am in my life lately.

I have changed. A lot. Pre-kiddo Carrie was always worried about my job and not liking it, and wondering where my career would lead. I was also super focused on being skinny and put alot of my self worth on whether I could squeeze into my size 2 jeans or not. Now, I am 30 pounds heavier, and while I would really like to take the weight off (oh yes, I REALLY would), I am not devistated by it, and I don't base my worth of a person on a number on the scale.

I also don't worry so much about career. I never seemed to find a job I was truly happy with after college. I'd see my friends (and my husband) find their niches, and I just never fit into the work world. Now, I am working part time at a flexible well paying job, but my job isn't anywhere near the focus of my life that it used to be. I know this will sound odd, but instead of being jealous of "so and so from my past" being a doctor or a lawyer or the head of their own company, I am actually happy for those people and their success, and grateful to know so many from my past in so many different professions. It actually comes in handy...when I'm on Facebook and I need advice from someone with certain expertise, I have someone to turn to!

And the most interesting change in my outlook is how kids have rocked my whole world. I used to be TERRIFIED of having kids. I thought it would be the end of my life if I ever got pregnant. I thought it would wreck my body (it did). I thought it would drain us financially (it does). I thought it would take away our freedom to go out whenever we want (oh, yes, definitely). But you know what? I don't really mind all that much! Because in so many ways, I haven't felt like I've truly lived until I had my kiddos within the past 3 years. Now instead of worrying about my makeup and what I am wearing to go out on a Friday night, I am at home in sweats holding a 3 month old baby who may or may not have covered me in spit-up, but has a glowing smile on her face. Instead of counting every calorie, I am sharing cookies with a silly 2 year old who loves his mommy. It's not glamorous, but man is it fulfilling.

And, yes, being a mom is also the HARDEST job I've ever had. It's especially tough when I have a tantrum throwing 2 year old and a baby who still isn't sleeping through the night. Most of the time the two of them ride in the car together, they feed off of each other and scream and cry for the entire ride. And when I am sick (as I am today), I don't get a day off to just lay in bed. No, I still have 2 little ones who depend on me. But don't the most challenging tasks reap the greatest rewards? I have never loved two beings in my entire life as much as I love my little kiddos. And, I look forward to seeing them grow and have families of their own. I think back on my initial feelings of life ending if we had kids, and now I feel just the opposite. Now I can't imagine my life without them.

Anyway, deep thought for today...now back to my regularly scheduled mommy-brain :).